There's Just Too Much to See Waiting in Front of Me

The season is changing; kids are buying new shoes, getting hair cuts and buying school supplies. Moms who spent the lazy days of summer fixing meals, driving to camps, organizing vacations...are now faced with a not so noisy home and a caldron of emotions. There is that feeling of freedom--no constant messes unless we make them (and we never make a mess right?), no fighting or whining--and at the same time there is that small black hole in the very core of our soul as we let go of the hearts outside our body  and watch them as little birds test the air outside the nest. 

Usually this is the season I focus on getting the house back in order--the mud scrapped off the walls, the carpets cleaned, the refrigerator freed of the mystery food that has been forming new life. Then I might spend some time getting those errands I have put off forever--Spanky does need his birth certificate some day afterall. Before I know it my kids are back home. And they have changed; I have not. And that is not fair to me, my children or the God who has plans for me.

So I am looking to grow myself. I am trying to think back to what I enjoyed. I love to cook--maybe some new cooking classes; I used to write--maybe a writing class at the community college. I have always loved pilates--maybe I could get trained to teach. Whatever it is, I have to find something. My life has been on hold for ten years and I do not want to be the mom that can't handle living when her children do leave the nest. If they left tomorrow, I could not. And the last thing they need is guilt about 'abandoning' their mom.

And now I ask the question we ask our children all the time "What do you want to be when you grow up?" and search for an answer.

I didn't ponder the question too long, I was hungry and went out for a bite. Ran into a chum with a bottle of rum and we wound up drinking all night.

Don't I wish!