Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Fault Lines

This morning I read a blog about a person wondering who exactly to vote for in this presidential election. I responded to watch how they respond to the current crisis--character shows up during a crisis.

The second that comment appeared on my screen, I thought about my own character. I like to think I am good person, a positive person, a person who can persevere through the storm and come out smiling. I am the girl who moved to Dallas away from my family for a job; got fired from the job, found another job and watched my department get canned. I kept going. I ended up getting the best job with the best boss ever. Even in motherhood, I faced colic, sleepless nights, going from two incomes to one income to no income for a short time. And I woke up smiling.

Last week, I found a crack, my fault line. It is my San Andreas fault and last week it broke open. I was told I did not secure the best care for my son, I did not seek the needed tests. I failed my wonderful perfect son. I was not a good mother. And I crumbled into the sea of despair. I posted, I cried, I googled every little symptom. I found the most horrible outcomes--I was seeking the most horrible outcomes. Every horrific issue said ealy intervention was key. Dino is four.  I cried more.  The house got messier, the kids were ignored as I stared blankly at a computer screen. My  husband had to take over the kids, the meals on top of his business. 

Then the emotions changed and got uglier. I looked more into the scar on his head. It turned out that if the scar was a sign of brain damage,  it was usually caused by FETAL ALCOHOL SYNDROME. These teachers thought I was a dunk--I am that mom who shops at Whole Foods, won't let anything with a growth hormone pass my lips during pregnancy--I was livid. I looked deeper. The spot on his head is only considered damaged if it includes a hair collar sign (wild hair at birth around the spot) but Dino was bald. This is why the numerous doctors who have seen him have never been worried and claimed he was in the 80% of cases where the spot was a fluke. I let anger take over the depression. I had no patience. My family lost mommy to psycho nutcase lady. I picked up Dino from the school and did not even look at the teachers. I would have said something I would regret if I truly looked at them. I was filled with hate. I blamed them for making me feel so terrible. And it was ugly.

Character shows in a crisis.

I took a good look in the mirror. My character sucked. I was not handling this right. I would never want my children to respond to something like this. I was lost in this vat of emotion and I forget the things that matter. My husband was just as upset but had to deal with me. I was not there for him and it was not fair. 

I went to church and bible study this weekend for some hope. Ironically, I am reading "Having a Mary Sprit in a Martha World" and our current chapter is "Fault Lines". It's all about the things we ignore and bury. The little things  that can tear us apart. Every word is speaking directly to my heart. I am praying for healing, to stay strong.

I don't know what the neurologist is going to say about Dino. But I know I can handle my response. I will not let the fault lines take over. I will take a deep breath and tackle the situation. I will pray. And the sun will come up tomorrow.

25 comments:

Texan Mama @ Who Put Me In Charge said...

Awesome post! And that is a wonderful book, too. Hope you enjoy it.

Don't let the jerks make you doubt yourself. You *are* a good mom. Anyone who knows you, and I hardly do but I like what I know, can see how much you care about your children. Keep up the good work, MOM!

Mrs. Newlywed said...

This is a really good post.

I can't even imagine how you feel, but you know what? Dino is cute as hell. Don't let those teachers get to you. I don't have advice on how to keep it from happening, but there has got to be a way.

Stay strong. Seriously, I'll come steal Dino :) That picture of him makes me melt everytime I open your page.

anti-supermom said...

You, my dear, are brave, strong and an inspiration.

andreawilliams said...

Praying for you in Idaho!

Amanda said...

Dino is a lucky boy to have a wonderful Mum like you and vice versa. Hang in there!!
((Hugs))
l,
Amanda x

mah-meeee said...

lisa, i cried as i was reading your post. for the time that i've been following your blog, you have shown nothing but a great mother to four kids. i was frustrated for you... i was upset for you... i can't believe what you are going through.

you're a wonderful mom and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Brian and Staci said...

Oh Lisa...what an awesome post. I am so sorry for probably spurring your anger too...from my comments. I actually did think about that and should've commented again...in a nicer manner and after I had a chance to settle down from someone telling my friend that they weren't a good mother :( I am praying for your family and most importantly for strength.

The White House said...

wow. I am so sorry that you are in the midst of this. I know that you are a good mom and the Lord has entrusted you with these babies, because you are the very best person to care for them. I will be praying for you in this situation, and sweet Dino. These trials have come, so that your faith... may be proven genuine, and may result in praise, glory and honor when Christ is revealed.

CC said...

Big huge hugs!!!!! And I don't know about the teachers at your son's school, but we have many students hear with FAS and usually I assume that they are no longer living with their biological mother. Okay, so maybe that doesn't sound right. But if I know that the parents are great. And I know a child was FAS, I do not make the leap that the parents are drunks, but rather that something changed quite a bit in that child's life since his/her birth. I know that's not your son's situation at all, I'm just hoping maybe I'm making some sense that maybe (hopefully) they weren't too judgmental. Hope I'm making sense. I'm currently at work and distracted.

Anonymous said...

Hang in there! I've been praying for you and your family. Take a deep breath and take one step at a time.

Love, Susan

KC said...

Great post.. I still have you guys in my prayers.

thepreppyprincess said...

Oh Miss VBMW4 what a remarkable post. You are remarkable, as is Dino! Please know you are in our thoughts & prayers as you walk through what must be a terrifying time.

We're sending you a cyberhug,
tp

Elaine A. said...

Praying right along with you my friend. I hope that you can find peace no matter how things turn out.

JCK said...

I'm going to be very curious as to what the neurologist says. Many children have delays and later catch up. Children grow and develop at different rates.

Sending huge hugs and hang in there. You are a wonderful mother. Loving, and a fighter. That is what your children need.

Clare said...

I have been thinking of you all week! I hope that things are starting to look better, and all of the test results will come back with hope and answers.

this was a wonderful post, thank you for being so honest and sharing with us!

dani said...

dear lisa,
i am so sorry you are having to deal with something so scary as the unknown about the health of your dino. but, different people respond to things differently. sometimes there are no right or wrong responses. just know that you have to cope in your own way in order NOT to bury your emotions.
mary and martha responded differently, and JESUS continued to love them the same... and most importantly JESUS responded to the "death" of their brother, lazarus, by weeping.
love and prayers,
dani

EatPlayLove said...

Hugs!

Heidi Day said...

I hope and pray for all the best. I'm looking forward to seeing you tomrrow. I'm so glad your little one is in my life and I'm in his. What a blessing.

anglophilefootballfanatic.com said...

I think you handled it very well. And, I know you were hit to your core and had to process that. You are a good and wise woman and mom. Don't ever let anyone tell you differently.

amanda said...

Sing it, Annie! :)

Jackie @ Our Moments Our Memories said...

Oh, dear Lisa. This was truly thought-provoking. I do not blame you for the way you reacted; I'm quite sure that I would have done the same thing. But there is much truth that a crisis brings out your true character.

Praying for you!

Anna See said...

I'm praying for you!

ria said...

Hang in there... praying for you. We Buckeye fans stick together on and off the football field. ;)

Glad to hear that you turned to church and your Bible study during this time. That is the best place TO turn.

You're in my prayers! Love ya!! :D

Formercitygirl said...

Your kids are super cute. And despite what those teachers said or meant or whatever, you know you are a good mom. And, yes, anger and depression may be a character fault, but I doubt that most moms would have handled it differently.

Mamasphere said...

The teachers at this school sound like idiots. No compassion whatsoever. What the hell were they thinking talking to you like that?

I'm so angry for you. You seem to be handling this all a lot better than I would. I think we're all allowed a fault line, and for it to shake every once in a while. You love your son, and you're shaking because you want the best for him. Which you are doing. You are a wonderful mother. Don't EVER doubt that.

Isn't it amazing how God puts us in situations that speak to us directly? That bible class was meant for you. Turn to God. He'll help see you through.