Fault Lines

This morning I read a blog about a person wondering who exactly to vote for in this presidential election. I responded to watch how they respond to the current crisis--character shows up during a crisis.

The second that comment appeared on my screen, I thought about my own character. I like to think I am good person, a positive person, a person who can persevere through the storm and come out smiling. I am the girl who moved to Dallas away from my family for a job; got fired from the job, found another job and watched my department get canned. I kept going. I ended up getting the best job with the best boss ever. Even in motherhood, I faced colic, sleepless nights, going from two incomes to one income to no income for a short time. And I woke up smiling.

Last week, I found a crack, my fault line. It is my San Andreas fault and last week it broke open. I was told I did not secure the best care for my son, I did not seek the needed tests. I failed my wonderful perfect son. I was not a good mother. And I crumbled into the sea of despair. I posted, I cried, I googled every little symptom. I found the most horrible outcomes--I was seeking the most horrible outcomes. Every horrific issue said ealy intervention was key. Dino is four.  I cried more.  The house got messier, the kids were ignored as I stared blankly at a computer screen. My  husband had to take over the kids, the meals on top of his business. 

Then the emotions changed and got uglier. I looked more into the scar on his head. It turned out that if the scar was a sign of brain damage,  it was usually caused by FETAL ALCOHOL SYNDROME. These teachers thought I was a dunk--I am that mom who shops at Whole Foods, won't let anything with a growth hormone pass my lips during pregnancy--I was livid. I looked deeper. The spot on his head is only considered damaged if it includes a hair collar sign (wild hair at birth around the spot) but Dino was bald. This is why the numerous doctors who have seen him have never been worried and claimed he was in the 80% of cases where the spot was a fluke. I let anger take over the depression. I had no patience. My family lost mommy to psycho nutcase lady. I picked up Dino from the school and did not even look at the teachers. I would have said something I would regret if I truly looked at them. I was filled with hate. I blamed them for making me feel so terrible. And it was ugly.

Character shows in a crisis.

I took a good look in the mirror. My character sucked. I was not handling this right. I would never want my children to respond to something like this. I was lost in this vat of emotion and I forget the things that matter. My husband was just as upset but had to deal with me. I was not there for him and it was not fair. 

I went to church and bible study this weekend for some hope. Ironically, I am reading "Having a Mary Sprit in a Martha World" and our current chapter is "Fault Lines". It's all about the things we ignore and bury. The little things  that can tear us apart. Every word is speaking directly to my heart. I am praying for healing, to stay strong.

I don't know what the neurologist is going to say about Dino. But I know I can handle my response. I will not let the fault lines take over. I will take a deep breath and tackle the situation. I will pray. And the sun will come up tomorrow.